During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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