So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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