I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
