why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
