Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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