I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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