You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
