soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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