we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
