remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
