John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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