Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
