they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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