i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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