Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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