We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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