doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
