I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
