Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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