Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
