One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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