I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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