apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
