if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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