Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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