I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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