I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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