One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
