'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
