Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
