Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
