I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
