what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
