he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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