How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
