My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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