6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
