I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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