My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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