headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
