maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
