I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
