Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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