OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
