you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
