nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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