Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
