Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
