My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
