I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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