closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
