my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
