you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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