I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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