Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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