i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
